thank someone or something. cuzzzz i don't know who to address...

so things are okay. i guess. here's whats up... i fell in like with an idiot. i gave up on life. i decided that both of these things were very bad. i didn't stop. i started taking bath/showers because i want to be a junkie, only i don't. i got into trouble, i'm still in trouble. i lied my ass off to the people that i care the most about... that is partially why i got into trouble. 

but none of this matters.

HERE ARE THE THINGS I KNOW:

1)what matters most is that i realized something very important in my life... i hate everyone. even the people i love, i hate.  jealousy is a shade i wear too well.  (and by hate, i mean... mildly get annoyed at.)

2) i'm breezily confident that i have been roofied for the last 10 years of my life and now i just woke up to realize that i am a slave to the love that i have never had, but have read about ( and by this, i mean i am a bit lost in my ambitions.)

3) i'm drastically certain that i am crazy. (this one is straightforward.) 

4) i'm sadly aware and am a complete sloth to the fact that i gave up. (ya dido on this one... pretty straightforward... or maybe... maybe its just that i'm confused... that shoe fits my foot a little better than the last one.) 

but i'm stoked for the fact that i make all these problems my problems. i would have no problems if i wasn't making them for myself, so i can't really feel bad about it. i'm just doing it to myself. but what else would i be doing? 

"I'm not here to make friends" is what you will here many reality tv stars say. but where and when are you anywhere in which you plan on making friends? or in a place where you plan on not making friends? why plan on things like this?  i don't know. but i know that i have the best friends  i could have ever wished for. and sometimes, when you have the best, its hard to think that there might be others out there that could be equally radical.

 its crazy that people make relationships with each other and they actually do care. i meet these fucking random people, and i actually care about them. which drives me absolutely batty.  it just makes me worried that i'm getting old. because i am. fuck. whatever that means (getting old) i don't know... thank someone or something for that. 

rad message from phil (not roommate phil).

"Yo Stine... What up? uhh it is me, okay, so we cleared that up.
umm, ya i don't know if you should, ya know, roll onto someones backyard, into someones backyard. i think that's called trespassing. but uh, ya know, mushrooms are great, so who cares... DO IT.
and ummm, ya. so i really don't know what to say.
i'm doing good, thank you  for... sort of caring.
umm and i'll talk to you later. feel free to give me a call.
alright.
bye"

i don't know what's happening with me

these last nine posts are brought to you by the letter R for ramble on because that is what i was doing when i wrote these. i take it that i never posted these, because, they don't make any sense and i was mostly not going anywhere with them. there happens to be no plot. is there ever?


i never edited them. there is no plot. these don't make sense. why did i do these things? i can't tell you because i don't know.


why does anyone do anything? god, really? i think some don't think. sometimes i don't think, sure. i'm not perfect. i know that. i can look around my room/closet/library/craftroom/storagelocker/mindlocker/prison-of-earthquake-sure-death/sleepzone/ect. and tell you how imperfect i am. but at least i use my fucking common sense on a daily basis. ultimately, people are lazy, yet they want these things in their lives, so they have to come up with some other way to archive their wants and needs. if this new life path involves stepping on some toes and spilling a few cups of milk at the dinner table, so fucking be it. but that sucks and its not fair. but who cares? i mean, i do. i care. but that's about all. and what is that? caring with no action? i guess i'm just as bad as everyone else.


R A M B L E O N  (AiLg- that's going to be a cool one!!!)

10/1

"Scorpios may have characteristics of being mysterious, aggressiveness, agitated, angry, committed, compulsive, deep, skeptical, determined, discerning, emotional, fearful, forceful, imaginative, inflexible, intense, intuitive, jealous, loyal, magnetic, obsessive, passionate, having a preoccupation with sex, sarcastic, persistent, powerful, resentful, secretive, seductive, sensitive, sexy, judgmental, suspicious, uncertain, self mastery, unforgiving, unpredictable, vindictive and willful."

i'm sorry, but couldn't you say that about any fucking idiot on this planet? who does not love to get preoccupied by sex? okay no actually, i put this up here because i think its funny and sort of true.

9/30

last night made me count the many ways that i love this  pretty little city of lights... and i ran out of fingers. fucking serious, constantly surrounded by friends, old and new, good music, good food, good times. and then i woke up and i had a present that is making my foggy, cold morning sooooo perfect. what is it about this year that feels so much better than last year? that is a rhetorical question because i actually know what the difference is.

9/29

i like the notion of the solidarity in the ocean. i only do yoga in my bed, when i am alone, sleeping. so that is to say that i adjust my body into different positions while i toss and turn though out the night. the rest is my rest.

anyways. school. my camera broke. school. school. uurrrhhh. school... i do so much love it. i really do. i think i really enjoyed the feeling of fucking myself all of last year. it was sooo good. and it was good because it was bad. if you put a bucket of water over a cracked door, with the hopes that your foe would fall for the trap, but you actually forgot that you did this, and you end up walking though the door, and all this shit falls onto you... that was my entire last year, every day. fucking myself.

strange-musty-yum-time-city-in-which-the-hills-have-no-eyes. your not that bad.

9/25

i'm in love with a Canadian named dustin. (that is to say that i am in love with the spontaneity of life). i should just jump out of a plane. again.

on friday night, i flirt with strange ideas on the internet. i make meat in a crook pot. master mate. i listen to music, that of which makes my mind master mate. so i fuck my mind with a little more stimulation... if only the world ran the way i chased it. but i'm tiered of running. so i go to sleep. i wake up about 4 hours later, just in time to eat my food and receive a few "after the party" phone calls.

i talk to my friends on the phone at 2 in the morning about how boy's suck. or they should suck more, if you know what i mean. and then i watch the twilight zone. forever. because, at this point, i'm living in the fucking twilight zone. you bet your ass i sat around at some point and cried about how awesome my life is, too.

9/16

wow. what a week.

lets just focus on the last two days, shall we?

yesterday i went on a 6 hour bike/hike with my father in the middle of the desert. i joked about rabbit holes and how i was going to find mushrooms underneath all the cow pies and i was going to fall into one of these rabbit holes and fucking trip out on cow pie psychedelics. later i would find out that there are lots of bagger holes that i could fall into and i actually didn't need any mushrooms to trip way out of this fucking world. all i needed was total lack of everything. no people, no cars, no buildings, no roads, no unnatural sounds. just myself, in the desert. that shit gets you high.

ig and al are cat calling raccoons outside of my second story living room window. i should tell them that they need to raccoon call them, not cat call them.

9/15

i want a little neon Indian to tickle me.

9/13

oh my oh my. i love my family. they are fucking nuts. just like me.

9/12

oh yes. i am just a young, sad,  lost soul. i want you and i hate you. i hate you and that is the only reason i want you.

are you kidding me? no i hate this shit. why i even open my lungs to take one more fucking stupid breath of this thin, unfair air...i just don't know.

Goldy Han told me that i have wonderful head of hair. i told her it was my hair, this hair. she laughed.


i walked away with my trail of animals in tow. i can't wait to get back to my filthy river. i want to sail away.

9/11

i'm so happy that.
that i would be happy enough to say that i am happy about that.
i'm sappy from climbing trees on the tops of mountains.

i'm going to leave this world. visit another.

i use to make these rash decisions about everything. some habits are hard to shake.


so sick. so icky stuck on this fucking sickness. i am tied up in knots.

i just heard someone say " your daughter has a crush blah.. blah..."
 is it a teacher? asks my mother.

i just fucking sit in my room and think about how i just want to dive into some sort of milk bath. i want your milk on my skin.

Science is so cool, it’s hot.

Never did I see this day. The day that I realized that shuffling through thousands of pages of organic chemistry information while under the influence of “gods green earth” and techno-pop, just to figure out the degree of unsaturation on cholesterol, was a really good time.