so i'm employing a new method for this post. whenever i go off on unrelated tangents, i italicize them so that its not so confusing... or maybe its more confusing.
what a fucking weird week. holy shit. i feel like i really should have a reality show because i create so much god damn drama for myself. like how i turned on the water works on the bus today. i was dripping snot all over the place, doing that thing i love to do, were i pinch my nose so as to squeeze all the snot out into my fingers and then i flick my wrist really hard.
the same kind of action you would do with your wrist when you were in middle school and you wanted to inflict pain on your friends by letting one of your fingers go limp and then you shake your hand several times before you give that fatal blow to someones arm, or whatever, and it would feel like someone threw a golf ball at you, but really you just got slapped with a finger. and if you were anything like me when you were in middle school, you couldn't ever seem to hurt anyone when you would try to do this because your whole hand would make contact and to them it would feel more like someone tossed a jello jiggler at them, but you would end up jamming your finger.
(oh and by the way, if you feel like wasting a bunch of time, try to google anything you can think of that would describe this little particular hand movement action. in trying to figure out if there was a name for this action, i google "flicking your wrist to hurt someone with your finger" and the first thing that came up was "25 methods for killing with your bare hands". for some reason i forgot how to turn off that fucking annoying google predictive text shit and i start to type "slapping with your" and this amazing slap chop rap video came up and i recommend watching it if you have not done so already.)
its that sort of wrist action i'm talking about that sends my snot flying, often over amazingly great distances. if any of you hang out with me enough, you have most likely seen this tactic in play, but may have not known what was happening.
anyways, i was being a baby and crying over the fact that i lack any real social skills. actually, i think i was pissing out of my face because i have a tendency to make things up in my mind about what i think is happening, expecting that everyone knows just exactly what i'm thinking because i tried to make it clear in some obvious way, such as two short breaths in a row instead of one normal breath followed by a slightly longer one. for some strange reason no one ever seems to pick up on my over the top cues to my feelings and interpretations of the situation.
i've often thought that it would be in everyones best interest if i made a little card explaining my emotional state based on these cues. it would say stuff like...
"one fast blink means i'm surprised and impressed; two slow blinks means i'm really sad and you just made my life miserable; while in conversation: never looking into your eyes means that i adore you, however, constant eye contact is an indicator that i want you to shut the fuck up; mannerisms and behaviors that are characterized by standoffishness, a general lack of interest, folded arms or legs and a general confused demeanor, all accompanied by spastic random comments which have no relevance to the current situation, consistent interruptions and outbursts, and occasional minor physical abuse, all of which indicate that i'm completely infatuated with you and/or i find you to be the most fascinating person in the room; mannerisms and behavior that are characterized by my seemingly undivided attention, consistent head nodding indicating approval or disapproval, occasional physical contact such as a reassuring hand on your shoulder, and frequent questions such as, "oh ya, how so?" all of which are strong signs that i'm not listening to you, but rather, i'm eavesdropping on someone else or thinking of ways i can leave the location/party/restaurant without telling anyone that i'm going anywhere."
if i had such a card, i would not have to spend the next minutes, hours, days, weeks, and months after our encounter deciphering whether of not you really understood what i was getting at and wondering what you possibly were wondering about what i was wondering because you would have a card like this too. geez, that would be great. i would never have to have a real social encounter... i could just be myself, all weird and awkward, and you could be yourself (whatever that may be) and we could just hand each other our cards. this is such a fucking brilliant idea. think of how clear everything would be!
so i guess i should have italicized this entire post. basically what i'm getting at is that i may or may not be bipolar and i may or may not like being social. and when i say "social" i mean having any sort of conversation with anyone besides my counselors or my patients (that's slag for my best friends and family). sometimes you just don't know what is going on in your own mind. perhaps i should have my left brain make a card for my right brain and the two can sort of collaborate to produce a two sided card for "me" to read before i write my own card to give to you?
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