i want a wig

okay so i was one of those kids who loved to play with barbies. hmmm, however, what's more important to state here is that i was one of those kids who loved to cut all of the hair off of their barbies.

so now, here i am, age 26, cutting my own hair. its not like i haven't done this quite a bit in my life... but shit is hitting the fucking fan.

last night i cut my hair. to those of you who know me, or have seen me in the last few months, you should already know that i don't have much hair to cut off. on the contrary. i have a lot of hair to cut off. well... maybe not anymore. do you want to hear the story? i know you do.

the decision to cut my hair off (again) started with the purge of toiletries. i'm moving back to portland and obviously, i need to throw some shit away. so last night's task was toiletries. this is were the problem started. this is were my decision was made.

bare with me here, because this is a long story.

when was the last time you washed your feet? i bet that jesus was not a part of it for you... but when someone with very lovely long hair asks/tells you to wash you feet before you can fuck them... well you just might look at them and think of a cross. no one wants to cross a cross. so i fucking washed my feet. worst decision of my life. anyways... so i decided to cut my hair because i threw away a bunch of shit... like foot cream. foot cream.

foot cream. it is actually foot massage lotion. the last time i massaged my feet with foot lotion was a year or so ago when i realized that i had this foot lotion. before that... well, not since i was 14 or so. i washed my tasty treat feet in my bathroom sink when i found this foot lotion and some feet salts. i salted my feet and then i lathered them up with lube for the sole.

i threw all of this shit away. who the fuck needs foot lotion? no one.

besides jesus hair, the only person who has ever stressed 'clean' feet is my mother. she used to make me wash my feet before i went to bed. and that is why i religiously do not wear shoes and purposelessly walk in animal shit.

ok so my hair cut.

like i was saying, i put a load of toiletries in the garbage... here is a list of such waste:
 foot lotion (a few years old)
 spf 50 (a year old... sunscreen expires)
 hand cream (it was a gift from someone who doesn't give a shit)
 massage oil (the boy i lost my v card to, his mom gave it to me... not sure why)
 hand cream (another bottle of the same shit)
 numerous bars of soap (my parents gave up but my step parents have not quite figured it out yet)
 old tooth paste (i just got more... americans and their excessive behaviors)
 wrist brace ( i thought i broke my fucking wrist once... i still haven't figured that one out because it hurts)
 organic waxing kit (turns out, honey does not pull your pubes out)
 leave in condition (wait for it...)
 hair volumiser (wait for it...)

i fucking cut all of my hair off because i hate corporate america... jk. or... maybe not. but i cut my hair because i had a rat tail. i loved that rat tail. but i thought that i looked like a fucking idiot. now i just feel like a fucking idiot. because i am. 

at least i am not infected with the plague.