well golly. golly gee whiz. i think i'm wasting my time on the internet. maybe just a little bit. you know, i used to think that the only people who participate in the wacky world that is "online dating" were people like me... 20 somethings with not much "real" going on. people who have nothing better to do but stay up late and listen to the album "surf's up" by the beach boys until it gets beaten into the ground like something that gets beaten into the ground. as it turns out, i'm wrong. like really wide off the mark.
take, for example, this lovely little specimen that i met tonight. i managed to (not so sneakily) figure out his name. for confidentiality's sake, lets just call him JK. i assure you, JK is not short for "just kidding" because this guy is not fucking around... unless, of course, you are referring to the fact that he is on a dating website chatting with people who live some 900 miles away in another state (that would be yours truly), then yes, this guy is fucking around a little bit. anyways, i'm off tract, which is the opposite of what this guy is.
let me just start it like this... "how's it going?" he inquires.
now, my initial thought is, "why the fuck do people think that its cool to take pictures of themselves in their foggy bathroom mirrors with their smart phone? god, i bet this loser's next picture is of himself without a shirt on, flexing at the gym."
so i do some investigation and come to the conclusion that this guy is a total nerd. and by "investigation" i mean that i looked at the rest of his photos. and by "total nerd" i mean that he appears to be a relatively normal guy with some pretty bangin tattoos. normally i would decide weather or not i really want to talk to someone purely based upon their face. if your not tall, dark and handsome, well that sort of sucks, but at least i give everyone a fair warning on my page that "i'm kind of a asshole". so before i decide to cast myself off as a total "facial bigot" i decided to delve deeper in my inquisition of this character. what i found out just made me feel like shit. when am i going to graduate college? when am i going to start teaching at a collage? when am i going to ride my bike across the country, promoting my book that actually, literally, no fucking joke, GROWS TREES? i'll tell you when... probably never... but never say never, even when you are saying the saying "never say never" (that's why i am typing it, because typing is not talking, so i, in fact, am not actually saying "never say never" i am typing it), so i will just say that there is a chance that it might take me a little while to do something to that tone.
so at this juncture i sign an imaginary, invisible, unspoken contract with this unknown stranger to "chat" and chat we do. i read his page and find out that he is a teacher at pepperdine university. as i later come to find out, he is not necessarily religions, which he actually did not tell me, but i found out on the internet upon reading an interview... one might say that i am an internet stacker, but i'm actually just using my resources. really, for fucks sake, i would teach at pepperdine too, and if you know anything about me, i am no believer. lets just keep pushing on the peddles here... so he is a teacher at a prestigious private university. whatever. no big deal. did i mention he is 27? ya. but wait, there's more.
he wrote a book. but whats a book if it can't grow a tree, ya know? because i don't. but apparently he did. so he wrote a book and the cover has seeds in it. so go plant a book. his book. and it will grow a tree so that someone out there can make more books out of the trees that these books can and will grow. that's not all, kiddies, because this guy co-founded an independent publishing house, biked across the country to promote his book on a zero emissions book tour, landed on the cover of a magazine, and best of all, hes on an online dating site. yes, the world has officially gone mad.
honestly, i got a little annoyed about how cool this dood sounded after only reading one very informative interview on the internet, so i actually stopped at one (plus a few more... whatever... i'm using my fucking resources okay, i'm not a stalker). anyways... all of this motivation for such an audit came well after our rather basic, but delightful conversation. its funny how chatting with people online actually leads to nowhere. he told he he was a writer, i asked what he writes about, he said he wrote a book, i asked the name of the book, and soon after the topic changed and nothing was said about it again. we talked about tattoos for the most part, end of story.
i guess what i'm getting at is that you really can't judge a book by its cover (no pun intended) for it must be read to know what its about (pun intended). no really though... as that wonderful song goes...
"You can't judge an apple by looking at a tree,
You can't judge honey by looking at the bee,
You can't judge a daughter by looking at the mother,
You can't judge a book by looking at the cover.
You can't judge sugar by looking at the cane,
You can't judge a woman by looking at her man,
You can't judge a sister by looking at her brother,
You can't judge a book by looking at the cover.
You can't judge a fish by lookin' in the pond,
You can't judge right from looking at the wrong,
You can't judge one by looking at the other,
You can't judge a book by looking at the cover."
and fuck it, one day i will steal this JK's idea and write a book about good beer, good friends, good food and good times and the cover will be full of hop seeds, people seeds, rippin delicious food seeds and seeds that make you see things that might or might not be there. it will be some kind of zany willy wanka shit. you plant my book and you will have blow-your-mind-beer, awesome hotties, mouth watering chow and all the psychedelics you could ever image! so there.
Friday, December 31, 2010
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Noah was a bum and those animals were his crack pipe and that arch was his cardboard box
as i listen to the newest deerhunter album, i can't help but to get distracted by the rain pissing out of the sky and the heater constantly battling itself... the war of whether to stay on or off. god, portland. you sort of suck. or maybe i just suck when i'm in you. i can't help but want to cry every time i come here. maybe its because it never stops raining. what is that saying... "idiot do what idiot see" or maybe it was "monkey say what monkey do"... whatever, that's besides the point. the point is, the rain. it rains out of the sky and i rain out of my face.
this feeling of sheer and utter annoyance i have in this everybody-looks-and-acts-and-is-essentially-the-same-city probably has something to do with the fact that i just don't feel comfortable here. which should be reason enough for me to bust my balls and graduate college, but instead, it just makes me drag my feet. something about "misery loves company" because there certainly seems to be a lot of miserable people here. except for that one bum... he is not miserable (ya know, the one that yells obscenities to everyone in the streets. he seems pretty stoked and one night, i saw him at the bar and he was honest enough to tell the bar tender that his drunk ass broke a glass (crack) pipe in the bathroom... that guy is special and he is not included in my general stereotype of porltand people).
i get annoyed that someone broke the arm off of my Elroy figuring. i don't even like football. and i'm not a figuring collector. its just that... that little fucker is mine, and someone broke it.
oh. snap.
i just figured it out. it is raining this hard because this is the end of the world. pretty soon i'll see an arch filled with healthy female and male specimens of every single species of living organisms on this planet float by my window as i start to drown in my old little house. the water has rose up over the curb, over the retaining wall, into the yard. water has filled the basement, drowning the little Foosball players on their sorrowful field of perpetual play. water has filled jean's downstairs apartment. she is pounding on the celling in a final attempt to outrage me. nah.. that's not her style. she has actually just throw a hand written sign out of her window that has now floated up to my living room window on the second floor. it reads,"will you please turn off the water, you are flooding my apartment and wasting water is environmentally unfriendly". now the water has rushed into my house and i had to take my computer to the third story to write this last entry... the last entry a human will ever write, because i'm the last one. Noah decided to take no human with him to the new world. he also took himself. his own life, he took it away. and now i sit here... on my roof. the water has overcome my room and the entire third floor of my house. i have enough battery power to tell no one everything that doesn't matter.
i don't actually have the battery to do much of anything.
i took out the trash, i cried over a melted tea kettle, i drank about 100 ounces of water, i listened to the song "sailing" about 17 times on repeat, i let random strangers pester me over a dating website,
this feeling of sheer and utter annoyance i have in this everybody-looks-and-acts-and-is-essentially-the-same-city probably has something to do with the fact that i just don't feel comfortable here. which should be reason enough for me to bust my balls and graduate college, but instead, it just makes me drag my feet. something about "misery loves company" because there certainly seems to be a lot of miserable people here. except for that one bum... he is not miserable (ya know, the one that yells obscenities to everyone in the streets. he seems pretty stoked and one night, i saw him at the bar and he was honest enough to tell the bar tender that his drunk ass broke a glass (crack) pipe in the bathroom... that guy is special and he is not included in my general stereotype of porltand people).
i get annoyed that someone broke the arm off of my Elroy figuring. i don't even like football. and i'm not a figuring collector. its just that... that little fucker is mine, and someone broke it.
oh. snap.
i just figured it out. it is raining this hard because this is the end of the world. pretty soon i'll see an arch filled with healthy female and male specimens of every single species of living organisms on this planet float by my window as i start to drown in my old little house. the water has rose up over the curb, over the retaining wall, into the yard. water has filled the basement, drowning the little Foosball players on their sorrowful field of perpetual play. water has filled jean's downstairs apartment. she is pounding on the celling in a final attempt to outrage me. nah.. that's not her style. she has actually just throw a hand written sign out of her window that has now floated up to my living room window on the second floor. it reads,"will you please turn off the water, you are flooding my apartment and wasting water is environmentally unfriendly". now the water has rushed into my house and i had to take my computer to the third story to write this last entry... the last entry a human will ever write, because i'm the last one. Noah decided to take no human with him to the new world. he also took himself. his own life, he took it away. and now i sit here... on my roof. the water has overcome my room and the entire third floor of my house. i have enough battery power to tell no one everything that doesn't matter.
i don't actually have the battery to do much of anything.
i took out the trash, i cried over a melted tea kettle, i drank about 100 ounces of water, i listened to the song "sailing" about 17 times on repeat, i let random strangers pester me over a dating website,
Sunday, December 26, 2010
high on... something, but, actually, nothing... except for an excessive amount of commas
i went shooting today and i realized that fucking shit up is the best form of medication... ever. that's probably why the japanese have "smash shacks". although, i would find shooting the dishes with a shotgun would be more of a stress release. especially if they were dirty and someone was throwing them off the roof, like clay pigeons, just like in that scene in "don't tell mom the babysitters dead". unfortunately with that scene, there is a "factual error" because, although the sound effects are those of a shoot gun, in fact, kenny is not using a shotgun, he is using a bee bee gun.
anyways... guns are cool, as long as your not shooting someone. well, i mean, i guess if your shooting someone you know and its with a gun that won't kill them, that's sort of a different story. i would love to shoot my friends sometimes. not because i'm mad at them, but if they were shooting me as well. paintball, for example. that shit is legit... and fun. airsoft guns are a blast, as well. no pun intended.
now maybe, if it wasn't one in the morning, i would include a few lovey photos of my crazy uncle and slightly mental mother and myself (who obviously has some issues upstairs, but i'm not going there right now) figuratively shooting our brains out. but... it is one in the morning and shelby is forcing me to wake up early. so these things will just have to wait... till, tomorrow, probably.
until then, if you are interested in feeling high without actually "getting high" go watch "tron" or read the book "DMT the spirit molecule" and trip the fuck out!
anyways... guns are cool, as long as your not shooting someone. well, i mean, i guess if your shooting someone you know and its with a gun that won't kill them, that's sort of a different story. i would love to shoot my friends sometimes. not because i'm mad at them, but if they were shooting me as well. paintball, for example. that shit is legit... and fun. airsoft guns are a blast, as well. no pun intended.
now maybe, if it wasn't one in the morning, i would include a few lovey photos of my crazy uncle and slightly mental mother and myself (who obviously has some issues upstairs, but i'm not going there right now) figuratively shooting our brains out. but... it is one in the morning and shelby is forcing me to wake up early. so these things will just have to wait... till, tomorrow, probably.
until then, if you are interested in feeling high without actually "getting high" go watch "tron" or read the book "DMT the spirit molecule" and trip the fuck out!
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
me love you long time...right?!
alright suckers... i finally got a CAMERA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i broke about... um 3 or 4 of them. this one... this one i shall keep for a LONG LONG TIME!!!! get ready for some sweet shit. (sweet shit = things that are cool to me that probably will be of no interest to you... hence the "shit" part of "sweet shit").
Saturday, December 18, 2010
drugs+war=american motivation.
fucking seriously? someone told me that they sell pot for a living... right before they told me that they are about to join the military... as an officer! i'm so glad that america is on it. i guess this is health care. duh.
Friday, December 17, 2010
i don't eat human, but someone wants to.
someone googled "what creates the strongest desire to eat and why?"
and my blog was the second thing that popped up! hahahahhaha read that shit and get hungry!
and my blog was the second thing that popped up! hahahahhaha read that shit and get hungry!
you can walk all over me, just don't walk away.
there is this one song that i can't stop listening to...pursuit of happiness
it just makes me so happy. "if i fall, if i die, know i lived it to the fullest" because i know that everything that shines is not made of gold.
jake and lisa told me that i would like the movie "the fall" and i sure did. i think that people can relate to the problems of others, mostly because they don't have them. people, americans, whoever... we watch to much fucking tv. the idiot box makes us think that we actually know what it feels like. what does it feel like when you lose your mind, your lover, your family, your life? we can guess, we can tell ourselves that we actually know. but that is just because we saw it on tv. we saw someone have a problem, and we think that we know how it feels because someone on the screen had this problem. in fact... NO ONE KNOWS, UNTIL IT HAPPENS TO YOU. and even then... what does it feel like? because when shit goes down, you actually don't feel anything. and what i feel about something will not be what someone else feels about the same thing.
take voting, for example. i voted because i wanted to. i wanted to. i can't think of any other reason. i just wanted to. i also felt that i had to. my roommate did not vote. my other roommate voted because he wanted some kind of change. my family voted because they are well informed on the issues and they wanted to exercise their rights in hopes of making a positive alteration. we all had the same options, we all had the same choices but we did not have the same affair. we did not make the same decision, we did not have the same feelings... WE DID NOT HAVE THE SAME EXPERIENCE.... even thought, it was fundamentally the same situation.
or kids. we were all kids once... but some old people don't like them, and some old people can't stop making more of them because they think kids are super.
or fucking fruit. some people like to eat fruit, some people like to fuck fruit... just ask nick S. he likes to do bananas. and until he adds me as a friend on facebook... well lets just say he will be eating man-salted-naners.
the point is... we all live though things in different ways.
one more thing... this song makes me even more happy. i could die in this songs arms and be ever so happy... fuck man, i would go to church (not with a mushhead hangover) if i could hear this song echo through the chambers of godlandhouse.... nightdogs
alright... so night, dawgs!
it just makes me so happy. "if i fall, if i die, know i lived it to the fullest" because i know that everything that shines is not made of gold.
jake and lisa told me that i would like the movie "the fall" and i sure did. i think that people can relate to the problems of others, mostly because they don't have them. people, americans, whoever... we watch to much fucking tv. the idiot box makes us think that we actually know what it feels like. what does it feel like when you lose your mind, your lover, your family, your life? we can guess, we can tell ourselves that we actually know. but that is just because we saw it on tv. we saw someone have a problem, and we think that we know how it feels because someone on the screen had this problem. in fact... NO ONE KNOWS, UNTIL IT HAPPENS TO YOU. and even then... what does it feel like? because when shit goes down, you actually don't feel anything. and what i feel about something will not be what someone else feels about the same thing.
take voting, for example. i voted because i wanted to. i wanted to. i can't think of any other reason. i just wanted to. i also felt that i had to. my roommate did not vote. my other roommate voted because he wanted some kind of change. my family voted because they are well informed on the issues and they wanted to exercise their rights in hopes of making a positive alteration. we all had the same options, we all had the same choices but we did not have the same affair. we did not make the same decision, we did not have the same feelings... WE DID NOT HAVE THE SAME EXPERIENCE.... even thought, it was fundamentally the same situation.
or kids. we were all kids once... but some old people don't like them, and some old people can't stop making more of them because they think kids are super.
or fucking fruit. some people like to eat fruit, some people like to fuck fruit... just ask nick S. he likes to do bananas. and until he adds me as a friend on facebook... well lets just say he will be eating man-salted-naners.
the point is... we all live though things in different ways.
one more thing... this song makes me even more happy. i could die in this songs arms and be ever so happy... fuck man, i would go to church (not with a mushhead hangover) if i could hear this song echo through the chambers of godlandhouse.... nightdogs
alright... so night, dawgs!
Thursday, December 16, 2010
here i am. and here i am not.
i wrote this fucking lame shit about how much i love everyone.
duh
i love you all.
too fucking bad we can't tell each other this shit everyday.
erg. life is and it is not.
duh
i love you all.
too fucking bad we can't tell each other this shit everyday.
erg. life is and it is not.
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
never talk to strangers... because they actually know you!
oh seriously... here... this is funny...
i went to go play a game or three of pinball at my local haunt.
this is how it went down...
game one: winning big time. at one point i had 7 balls blasting me from all angles. best score of my life!
game two: sort of okay. ball three was stalled by someone asking my name. first off, i almost shit my pants because i was taken off guard by this person approaching me to ask my name.
"sorry to scare you, but what is your name?"
"kristine" i say
"where are you from?" asks this stranger
"bend... why, who are you?"
"nick... i lived next to you" says the stranger, now know as nick.
blah blah blah.... he is jon's friend. rather, he is my old neighbors friend. this fucking guy has known me since i was 18. i have no idea who he is. no idea. at all. still.. i don't remember him. at all.
okay so this is what i found out... he has seen me in this bar once before. i'm sitting there... i order a jubelale. this reassures him that i am who i am. we bendits love our local beer. he approaches me. we have this strange conversation. fuck. fucking fuck. this guy is apparently one of jon's better friends. jon and i don't talk. haven't for a year. probably will never.
but the funny thing is... i asked ing to look at jon's stupid facebook so as to verify that he actually moved to "ya, i'm the bitch"... better known as "idaho" and all i see is the correspondence between some motherfucker named nick.
nick is the man i am talking to. nick knew me before i knew jon. nick knows jon because of me. nick and jon are now friends. apparently good ones, at that.
i smoke nick's cigarettes. he tries to kiss me. he tells me that he is going to see jon in a few weeks when he goes back to "ya, i'm the bitch". i laugh. and i laugh and i laugh. inside.
we keep drinking together. and then i found 400 dollars...
never talk to strangers... because they actually know you!
i went to go play a game or three of pinball at my local haunt.
this is how it went down...
game one: winning big time. at one point i had 7 balls blasting me from all angles. best score of my life!
game two: sort of okay. ball three was stalled by someone asking my name. first off, i almost shit my pants because i was taken off guard by this person approaching me to ask my name.
"sorry to scare you, but what is your name?"
"kristine" i say
"where are you from?" asks this stranger
"bend... why, who are you?"
"nick... i lived next to you" says the stranger, now know as nick.
blah blah blah.... he is jon's friend. rather, he is my old neighbors friend. this fucking guy has known me since i was 18. i have no idea who he is. no idea. at all. still.. i don't remember him. at all.
okay so this is what i found out... he has seen me in this bar once before. i'm sitting there... i order a jubelale. this reassures him that i am who i am. we bendits love our local beer. he approaches me. we have this strange conversation. fuck. fucking fuck. this guy is apparently one of jon's better friends. jon and i don't talk. haven't for a year. probably will never.
but the funny thing is... i asked ing to look at jon's stupid facebook so as to verify that he actually moved to "ya, i'm the bitch"... better known as "idaho" and all i see is the correspondence between some motherfucker named nick.
nick is the man i am talking to. nick knew me before i knew jon. nick knows jon because of me. nick and jon are now friends. apparently good ones, at that.
i smoke nick's cigarettes. he tries to kiss me. he tells me that he is going to see jon in a few weeks when he goes back to "ya, i'm the bitch". i laugh. and i laugh and i laugh. inside.
we keep drinking together. and then i found 400 dollars...
never talk to strangers... because they actually know you!
Monday, December 6, 2010
cod catfish tuna... which one do i smell like?
for some reason, i just want to eat ramon, like all of the fucking time. my mouth is that stupid waterfall that canada and america "share" because i'm thinking of those salty, meat flavored noodles! Niagara falls is my mouth when i want taco bell and top ramon. whatever... i'm fucking eating fruit because i don't have to boil water or find a fucking taco bell. honestly, dell taco is where its at. they have cheese cake. i love pie. yum.
speaking of pie... or not at all... some rando on the bus put a ski mask on and started to eye fuck me. i liked it... sort of how i like pie. yum. meat pie. yum
speaking of meat pie, i had chicken fried steak this morning and then i lost my left overs! i bet some jerk off threw them away. which is probably what i would have done after i left that shit in my fridge for a week or so.
also, i went to a movie for the first time... i have never been to a movie, EVER! hahaha. ya, no. what i meant is that i have never been to a movie all by my lonesome. today changed that statement. i have now crossed the lonely line of the life of a loser... i went to a movie with me and myself and i and no one. catfish. we all need a catfish to keep us well and ready for other people to eat us. eat me up, for i am the cod and the catfish.
speaking of pie... or not at all... some rando on the bus put a ski mask on and started to eye fuck me. i liked it... sort of how i like pie. yum. meat pie. yum
speaking of meat pie, i had chicken fried steak this morning and then i lost my left overs! i bet some jerk off threw them away. which is probably what i would have done after i left that shit in my fridge for a week or so.
also, i went to a movie for the first time... i have never been to a movie, EVER! hahaha. ya, no. what i meant is that i have never been to a movie all by my lonesome. today changed that statement. i have now crossed the lonely line of the life of a loser... i went to a movie with me and myself and i and no one. catfish. we all need a catfish to keep us well and ready for other people to eat us. eat me up, for i am the cod and the catfish.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
poppin' pinball cherries, but points are sharp, so why make them?
on my way home... i sat in the middle of a four person conversation and pretended that i couldn't hear them.
on my way home... i stopped to play my (least) favorite pinball machine and i made it pop twice because i broke the record twice.
on my way home... i almost never went home.
and when i got home... i almost left.
yes.. tis the truth. i need to live alone.
in my state of self discovery... i realized that i just want to be alone. i really do hate everyone... except my life long lovers... (ie the people that know me well enough to know that i hate them and love them and hate them and love them).
one day... some day... things will be different. by that i mean, i will be old and ugly and comfortable. until then, i will be sad and uncomfortable and confused and annoyed and annoyed and annoyed and annoyed and i will just be a bitch because i really don't see any point. plus, points are sharp and they hurt... so why ask for that?
on my way home... i stopped to play my (least) favorite pinball machine and i made it pop twice because i broke the record twice.
on my way home... i almost never went home.
and when i got home... i almost left.
yes.. tis the truth. i need to live alone.
in my state of self discovery... i realized that i just want to be alone. i really do hate everyone... except my life long lovers... (ie the people that know me well enough to know that i hate them and love them and hate them and love them).
one day... some day... things will be different. by that i mean, i will be old and ugly and comfortable. until then, i will be sad and uncomfortable and confused and annoyed and annoyed and annoyed and annoyed and i will just be a bitch because i really don't see any point. plus, points are sharp and they hurt... so why ask for that?
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