well golly. golly gee whiz. i think i'm wasting my time on the internet. maybe just a little bit. you know, i used to think that the only people who participate in the wacky world that is "online dating" were people like me... 20 somethings with not much "real" going on. people who have nothing better to do but stay up late and listen to the album "surf's up" by the beach boys until it gets beaten into the ground like something that gets beaten into the ground. as it turns out, i'm wrong. like really wide off the mark.
take, for example, this lovely little specimen that i met tonight. i managed to (not so sneakily) figure out his name. for confidentiality's sake, lets just call him JK. i assure you, JK is not short for "just kidding" because this guy is not fucking around... unless, of course, you are referring to the fact that he is on a dating website chatting with people who live some 900 miles away in another state (that would be yours truly), then yes, this guy is fucking around a little bit. anyways, i'm off tract, which is the opposite of what this guy is.
let me just start it like this... "how's it going?" he inquires.
now, my initial thought is, "why the fuck do people think that its cool to take pictures of themselves in their foggy bathroom mirrors with their smart phone? god, i bet this loser's next picture is of himself without a shirt on, flexing at the gym."
so i do some investigation and come to the conclusion that this guy is a total nerd. and by "investigation" i mean that i looked at the rest of his photos. and by "total nerd" i mean that he appears to be a relatively normal guy with some pretty bangin tattoos. normally i would decide weather or not i really want to talk to someone purely based upon their face. if your not tall, dark and handsome, well that sort of sucks, but at least i give everyone a fair warning on my page that "i'm kind of a asshole". so before i decide to cast myself off as a total "facial bigot" i decided to delve deeper in my inquisition of this character. what i found out just made me feel like shit. when am i going to graduate college? when am i going to start teaching at a collage? when am i going to ride my bike across the country, promoting my book that actually, literally, no fucking joke, GROWS TREES? i'll tell you when... probably never... but never say never, even when you are saying the saying "never say never" (that's why i am typing it, because typing is not talking, so i, in fact, am not actually saying "never say never" i am typing it), so i will just say that there is a chance that it might take me a little while to do something to that tone.
so at this juncture i sign an imaginary, invisible, unspoken contract with this unknown stranger to "chat" and chat we do. i read his page and find out that he is a teacher at pepperdine university. as i later come to find out, he is not necessarily religions, which he actually did not tell me, but i found out on the internet upon reading an interview... one might say that i am an internet stacker, but i'm actually just using my resources. really, for fucks sake, i would teach at pepperdine too, and if you know anything about me, i am no believer. lets just keep pushing on the peddles here... so he is a teacher at a prestigious private university. whatever. no big deal. did i mention he is 27? ya. but wait, there's more.
he wrote a book. but whats a book if it can't grow a tree, ya know? because i don't. but apparently he did. so he wrote a book and the cover has seeds in it. so go plant a book. his book. and it will grow a tree so that someone out there can make more books out of the trees that these books can and will grow. that's not all, kiddies, because this guy co-founded an independent publishing house, biked across the country to promote his book on a zero emissions book tour, landed on the cover of a magazine, and best of all, hes on an online dating site. yes, the world has officially gone mad.
honestly, i got a little annoyed about how cool this dood sounded after only reading one very informative interview on the internet, so i actually stopped at one (plus a few more... whatever... i'm using my fucking resources okay, i'm not a stalker). anyways... all of this motivation for such an audit came well after our rather basic, but delightful conversation. its funny how chatting with people online actually leads to nowhere. he told he he was a writer, i asked what he writes about, he said he wrote a book, i asked the name of the book, and soon after the topic changed and nothing was said about it again. we talked about tattoos for the most part, end of story.
i guess what i'm getting at is that you really can't judge a book by its cover (no pun intended) for it must be read to know what its about (pun intended). no really though... as that wonderful song goes...
"You can't judge an apple by looking at a tree,
You can't judge honey by looking at the bee,
You can't judge a daughter by looking at the mother,
You can't judge a book by looking at the cover.
You can't judge sugar by looking at the cane,
You can't judge a woman by looking at her man,
You can't judge a sister by looking at her brother,
You can't judge a book by looking at the cover.
You can't judge a fish by lookin' in the pond,
You can't judge right from looking at the wrong,
You can't judge one by looking at the other,
You can't judge a book by looking at the cover."
and fuck it, one day i will steal this JK's idea and write a book about good beer, good friends, good food and good times and the cover will be full of hop seeds, people seeds, rippin delicious food seeds and seeds that make you see things that might or might not be there. it will be some kind of zany willy wanka shit. you plant my book and you will have blow-your-mind-beer, awesome hotties, mouth watering chow and all the psychedelics you could ever image! so there.
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