i try but i want to die. that is a lie.

the way i move my legs, you would think i was on meth.
 urgh. try... dissatisfaction.
 urgh. i feel like you mean nothing to me. and i know it.
 urgh. i feel as though i have never been happier.
 urgh. what the fuck is wrong with me?

insert heart and remove mind.
insert everything that i have never known and remove everything that i have ever known.

o.  and i am just going to end my life with this plastic knife.
fuck me.
it might feel right, in the dead of my sleepless leg twitching. twitch t w i t

stop with the...

errrg. I'm making sure that i don't sleep.
people are strange when they deny the science that is everything.
i hate you liberal art majors.
i hate you fucking science geeks, but
i have you, me, in my hands and your not falling into a category.
i i i i i i i i i i i i need to get over myself.

the procession of black and white

geez i just cant get enough... i want my board and a blanket for this BEACH HOUSE

i think that men and woman should be forced to hang out with each other, even when they think better. because it is better. i could sit and listen to a bunch of vagina whine over wine for the rest of my life, don't get me wrong, but there is something very informative and funny about sitting down with a dick. and i did not say "sitting down on a dick"

i sat on the back of something with a dick. his name is phil. no, he is not my roommate. he is just a boy that i find to be fun. we hung out and got high on drugs. ing was there too. we laughed about whales, played drums, played internet, played each other, laughed about boys and about girls. phil took his shirt off. that is when i sat on him. i told him to put a belt into his mouth so that i could ride him like the stallion that he is.here is a photo.

 next, we ate food and drank fine things.

life drummed on like the procession that it is.

come to me ( "or in me" is what i should have said)

grrrrr. i'm trying really hard to make my life hard. or easy. so live with me. here is my plea for money...


eat my shorts (or the stuff inside)

"Live with us because we want you in our semi hot/cold house.

3 bedroom, 1 bath, relatively large backyard, garage storage and basement storage with washer and dyer. Rent includes all utilities (cable internet/TV, electricity, washer and dyer, etc.).
I am a 24 year old female botany student at Portland State University. I sail boats, snowboard, surf, listen to music that I consider to be pretty dope. My roommate has lived in this house for 3 years and he is a 27 year old male who has recently graduated college. When not working, my fellow living companion enjoys skiing, running in organized events, and drinking beer that I have never heard of. We consider ourselves to be consumers of fine cheese, but we are also relatively poor.

Some cool things to consider....
-very close proximity to Mt. Tabor and all it's splendor
-Montavilla bars/restaurants/coffee shops
-bus lines that take you to where you want to go (the 15 stops at our door)
-MAX stations that you can bike/walk to


We would like a roommate that has money enough to pay rent on time, one that will not steal our stuff, one that will be considerate and yet understanding. We keep a tight ship; clean kitchen, clean bathroom, and clean living room. Your room is your room... do what you will but if you fuck it up... well I guess we will cross that bridge if need be… which means that will never happen.
We both have busy schedules and we want a roommate that is going to be occupied with realistic life stuff… such as education or work. We are chill. We want chill. We party, but not so much at our house. We are very active… rain or shine. Camping, surfing, snowboarding, skiing, running, biking, hiking, mind-time-space warping. We want it all and we want someone who is not mad at the world… because we are happy people."

as i walk down memory lane...

Goodness... the things you find.
Apparently I was on a nice roll... like a little blue ball, rolling down a hill of unfulfilled pleasure. here's one from the vault...

"oh my god, kristine. what the fuck?????????


here i am, right here, right now. but you can probably imagine that i am neither here, nor now. i am walking with my dragon in the deep dark woods. i have pets. unfortunately, i am a pet myself.


but to be alone.... to be alone? errrrgh! i have been tricked! tricked by the dick. one, or two, or, who fucking cares"

okay... for one... what is this dragon bullshit??? who am i? that is not me? really... who came up with this? i mean, i know that i did, but seriously, that is stupid shit right there. dragons. come on now.

i'm dieing to live (as a naked sprout)

i was at the gynaecologist today for a few hours. i spent about 45 minutes of those few hours in a cold, naked, confused state. no one was around. i was all alone. just hanging out, in a huge napkin, sitting on a little doggy pee pad on top of a cold plastic table. good think i had Steinbeck's the pearl to read. which just made me sort of sad and even more confused.

i got a shot today and when i really started to analyze the consequences of it, i started to cry. i sat on the couch and told my roommate, whom i have only known for one year, that i was worried about dieing of cancer in the next 20 years because i got this shot. and its not just one shot, it will be, eventually, 3 shots. so i started to let my eyes well up. he told me to chill. he is sort of a doctor, after all. but... FUCK. what is this? what is this serum in my body? it's supposed to help me be more of a slut and less of a reasonable, worried, fucking crazy lame adult.  learn more about how science is dieing to save me.


i went to the dentist today. she told me that my tooth pain is probably because i clench my jaw. i told her that i did not. as i sit here and type, i realize i clench my jaw. like, really, really bad.


so i sat around naked in a public office, got injected with drugs that make me worry for my unknown future, was told of how i live my life, and  to top it off, the brussels sprouts that i picked in the brussels-sprout-cook-off did not win, even though they should have.

K-Rabs for Americans on the go in the need of vitamin D

okay okay okay here we go. I'm stealing all these goodies from tom because he knows Mike Hunt and Mike Hunt made this whole thing possible.

i tried to give everyone crabs. watch how i fail at giving everyone crabs. i need a K-Rad... maybe i can give one of them K-Rabs.

but before you go to toms page to look at all the snazzy photos he took, you should read my words...

we went on a sailing trip. we drove to a boat. we drove onto the boat. we talked about sailing and about sex with other sailors. we drank and we smoked and we had no wind. so we made up games. we made up a show. I'm a lion/eagle/ring tailed-lemur. i won. i won again. i won a lot. i am undefeated. we shall see how long that lasts. i was a princess in a tower on top on a mountain. we were asked to leave. i am still a princess. we drank more. we sailed less. some did not sail. we stayed undefeated. hahaha. i drank more. to went home. the end. toms story is better...

YUM TIME FOR YOUR EYES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! click this shit, OKAY, just do it.

... go to Tom's page, he is cool and he will not give you viruses or crabs or K-Rabs.
plus, tom has all the cool videos and pictures from our trip.

krusty punx, "i just want my drunk body taken care of by a hot man"

it is so true. i feel like self induced shit. and i want a hot body on mine. one hot, little, tight man body. on me.

i forget that i am trying to accomplish things in my life. it is monday and it feels like friday. that right there... ya that is a problem.

someone, please, bring me red velvet cupcakes, chili relleno and a young man to pet me.

bend over and edit this shit

chip, i'm all jacked up on mt. dew.

Canada and i are like Katie and Russell. we are just too right for each other.
 too bad i was just in Washington.
well, it's like this... i am a bird. i am a cat. i am a ring tailed lemur. i am a lion head with lion paws and wings of an eagle and the hind quarters of a ring tailed lemur. i have friends who will fight you. they are just as fucking crazy as i am.
(((i have a new idea for my blog. i will put scattered horseshit in parentheses. that way, you will not get distracted with my distractions. that is to say that i will be editing this shit a little bit.
which brings up a good point... i ramble a lot. so i understand why you would never want to read this. so i shall try to make things easier for you simpletons.)))

i'm just a sad scientist.

i'm sooooo in love this this language.  i still got the disease.

yum time treat

these fuckers... they make me so happy.

i have a lovely little family... see for yourself. yummy little family snacks!!!!!!!!!!!



unfinished adult

this article made me so happy. i am so happy right now. i feel really good about my life all of a sudden.

read this and everything will make sense. 

I'm an unfinished adult. 

(thanks ig)

surgery in space with a jelly bean and a butterfly

i changed my religion last night because i had no other choice. which is a huge lie. i'm a huge liar. fuck. who cares.

can anyone follow me? i sure as fuck can't.
anyways, who cares.

Here's an abridged story of what happened next...

"Doctors don't pull people over who are smiling and laughing" is what my accomplice said after he joked about my ash tray filled with butterflies and jellybean kisses.
"Hahaha... ya.... umm. um. that doctor just spun around Uranus" is what i belted out while i thought about how my spaceship smells like butterflies and jelly bean kisses.
"oh my Venus, oh my Venus. they want to dock!"
"its fine, you did nothing wrong."
"ummm. ya, my tags are expired, but not really."

whatever happened in the next few seconds, i was not sure of, time travel in space can make the mind forgetful. but later on, someone smelled the butterflies and jellybean kisses. i'm diabetic and allergic to insects, so i really had no idea what the fuck this young buck was tyring to infer.

but i did find one jelly bean, and i told the Dr. to show that bean the place in which no sun shines. which is a lie. i'm a huge liar. instead, he wanted to look at the interior of my spaceship. i told him there was nowhere to dock. never tell someone with a "station" that you "can not dock" because it will never work. the Dr. docked and i went off to another planet for the next 10 to 30 light years.

They found a toy lightsaber. they found the jelly beans and butterflies. they had no one better to dock.

i told the Dr. (plural, at this point; 2 Dr. and 1 surgeon) that i was not who they thought. no white space rocks here in this ship-of-space. i told them that i sail vessels across the galaxy and i showed them my badges and metals of honor. i spoke of great adventures in the concrete jungle and how i was part of the third best group of women warriors in this dimension of the galaxy. they told me to step it up... no more jelly bean kisses and butterflies if i wanted to be #1. i think i disagree. i know i disagree.

at this point, we laughed about youth and the ways of the world in which no one was "in-touch" with. we talked about jelly beans and butterflies. we talked about doctors in other galaxies. they told me to lie to a cop and make "it" give me a "cheat sheet" so that i could keep my beans and flies next time.

shortly after, they told me that i needed to change my religion.

sea shell / bird nest / dr.saidsmokethis / detective smack on the face

mazel tov.

image that all the people... were slices of duck meat.

I went on an adventure. one into my mind. and i found out that i really love it there and i might just spend more time in that place, but if you ever find that i have gone there permanently, please, PLEASE, pull the plug.

nevermind that. there is a duck in a box in the box that i am in.
other places that i have come to know and love, oh so much, include the woods, the ocean, my home town... ahhhhhh my little place in the sun. too fucking bad it keeps raining. seriously, Mother, what are you trying to do to me here? i think "its" tyring to tell me that i need to eat more mushrooms and spend less time watching the news.

nevermind that. there is a duck in a box in the box that i am in.

okay so i walked into the woods the other night and i found out that i should probably stop smoking drugs that make me freak-the-fuck-out in the woods in the middle of the night. really... is anyone going to fall from the sky and take my heart right out of my chest and eat it in front of me? maybe.
some would disagree.
one thing that is true is that i did like it. being afraid of the dark. i should probably just run away intodewilde.
hahaha sorry.... sometimes i go overboard with that one.

nevermind that. there is a duck in a box in the box that i am in.


why are people scared of what they can't see, yet at the same time, they put every stitch of faith that they have in the whole wide world on something they can't see?!?!?!?! i would never let anyone tell me that something doesn't exist because i can not see it with my puny, naked, meager eye. that is just silly. science can hold your hand though that one. but what about your imagination? what if you could hold it in your hand! what if it was something that surrounded your body, as well as your mind. where is the Magic School Bus when you need it?

someone come... make this duck fly away.
no one would get anything done without that one. an imagination. imagine, if no one could imagine anything?! you can't imagine it, can you?

kool aid is here, bringing you fun but life is a puzzle so fucking figure it out.

"oh yea" i'm going to storm through the walls of your mind, like a mega huge injection of teeth rotting, corporate American blood sucking, "drag-cula", "un-Kool-Aid" serum of dehydration. okay, ya, dramatization. but wait... i think this one is good.


remember when you were 13 and you got all this stupid bull shit in your email account that said "whatever you do, you can not scroll down, unless... unless you stand on your head and drink 9.325 gallons of Kool aid though your eyes... blah blah blah blah..."

well... don't fucking scroll down. at least until you take my quiz.

Questions:
#1. What is this?

#2. What is this?

Answers:
#1. If you said that it looks like a mushroom, you are correct. it sure does look like a mushroom. but that does not mean you answered the question correctly. it is, in fact, a drawing of glass knife.

#2. If you said that it looks like a penis, you are correct. it sure does look like a penis. but that does not mean you answered the question correctly. it is, in fact, a drawing of a glass knife, turned upside down.

knife hits.
that's not even the funniest part.
the funniest part about this is that i had never done a knife hit... i think... and i was acting like we were going to burn a hole in my kitchen floor. as if it were acid and i lived in a 1,000 story apartment building and my downstairs neighbors were people of a church, who in which saved baby orphan human centipedes.

that's not even the funniest part, actually.
the funniest part about this is that i drank a four loco with ash two nights prior and the only thing that would work for this very high school age activity was a four loco can. i used a kitchen knife to saw the can in half.
knife hits are totally awesome.

and... even better, I'm not the only one who thinks this way. hence the drawings. those stunning, awe inspiring drawings. true artistry. people love their knife hits. they actually make things that aid in this sort of tasty wondrous delinquency. ie the glass knifes... ( i thought that i should make that clear for you all... or just make you more confused. whatever. life is a puzzle, figure it out. oh shit. that's a good one. i'm going to use that more. stoked. i'm stoked on that one right there. fuck, sometimes i just think i might be on to something.)

really. can you imagine the people i know? they make me feel normal, which makes me feel weird. oh strange. it is what it is.

on a side note...
i made my mom smile. i'm good at that.
how do you win the love of a parent? yell into a conch. i couldn't figure it out. my mom was "loling" i was fucking "loling" holy shit. that is funny. you wanna laugh like a fucking clown on ecstasy, try to make a song with a conch shell.


hey... do you get idiot-out-of-your-mind-crazy-hot-and-thirsty when you skateboard? cause i fucking do. my friend, kool aid, he is the mother fucking tits shit! oh yea. our fucking friend is KOOL

Follow Fashion; Act Normal.

This girl does not do those things. One day, like, i don't know, 4 months ago, i was at her house and i saw this board covered in sad carcases of innocent native bystanders. i could almost hear their last minute dreams in the final seconds of their death screams. i couldn't believe this, what she had done. i guess i got over the massacre because i realize that this brings her much pleasure... suffocating bugs with isopropyl alcohol and then stabbing them with a pin onto a board for everyone to look at. whoa, its like jesus. pinned to a board for everyone to look at.
anyways. i actually did get over this... yes, i used to cry when people killed bugs and i think i actually made my childhood friends participate in a funeral for a bee... whatever. anyways.

"The reason birds can fly and we can't is simply because they have perfect faith, for to have faith is to have wings."

i sort of think she might be on to something...

i sure do love this girl and her bugs. she is a jem!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm allergic to growing up.

hey so ya know how i was talking about Peter Pan. i woke up this morning and it was on tv. i cry every fucking time i watch that shit. no matter the version, i can't help my poor little self. its like, god, why can't we have it all? peter wants to be a kid forever and just fly around all willy nilly, but his heart aches for the love of a real family and a real life! "To love would be an awfully big adventure."

people should write their dissertation on this story. its really deep.

"You know that place between sleeping and awake, that place where you can still remember dreaming? That's where I'll always think of you."  ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!!! that is fucking ripping at my heart right there. if someone said that to me, i would just start bawling like a little, fat, poopy diapered baby.

"Dreams do come true, if only we wish hard enough. You can have anything in life if you will sacrifice everything else for it." seriously, that is advice anyone could use!


"Never say goodbye because goodbye means going away and going away means forgetting."

i'm going to end it all... in a fish bowl filled with J.M. Barrie quotes and a gallon of Makers Mark. See you never.

"You move me to pity--you are so weak on this Earth made of granite"

I could make dentist office posters with this kind of shit. fuck, who am I? Okay, fuck yourself. This was a great day at the beach with a friend who is actually not my friend. I mean, what is a friend? Who is this kid? good question. i could probably go to jail for taking this kids picture and then posting it on the Internet. his name is David Lepell and he is 7 years old, lives in Davenport, Ca. His parents thought that a dog was a good nanny and that is why he is at the beach, with this dog, talking about the best book that has ever been. I told his parents that they need to read Peter Pan... that dog just let those kids fly away... geez!

I want short breaths.

burrrrr. life can be so cold.
who wants to be an adult, anyways?
this is me... in a world that i don't want to understand. who fucking gives two rips about money, anyways.
I'm lost... looking for a place to get lost.

complicated. fuck. sometimes things get _____.

I know that things get complicated, even in the Canada. Been there, done that, loved it.
I would get complicated with anything Canadian.
Short breaths.

short, short breaths.

When I was in Canada, I cried about how stunning I thought it was when the sun set into the deep blue. Thank you life, for the things that I have and more over, for the things that I don't have.

touch my buttons

yum yum yum. i would love to do all the things that i said i would do.

i love having strange men in my house.
i love telling people the same story, over and over.
i love touching buttons with a little bit of love.

Craig, your list is so luscious.

tea time in the tub with cannibals

i'm going to make a product line. tested on animals, made of animals. Cruel-to-the-T. i will make all the test animals wear Slim T's and i will feed the animals to the animals, like cannibals.

i have been in the tub for 3 hours now.

tub time w/ ty segall

eat more drugs, learn, be a better person.

hey you dumb fucks... be a mushhead like me! science is blowing my mind, like all of the time!

i want to be a mycologist. or actually, i should say, i'm going to be a mycologist. not because i like to get high on mushrooms, no, its actually because i think fungi is really interesting.

yesterday, i woke up to a dozen roses, hot coffee and homemade breakfast (remember when i was talking about Dad=Rad...) and i have not been more excited to actually be awake. unfortunately, my bad attitude crept up on me, like how this nail fungus snuck up on this poor sap.

so we went on a walk in forest park to remedy this problem. i found at least 5 different species of fungi. one of which i can not identify. but never mind that. the morel (hahaha that's a mushhead joke, morel, moral, do you get it???????)  is that i need nature in my life, like every fucking second. i sat in my lame house(which needs one more person in it (ie i need a fucking roommate)) filled with things that make me want to curl up in a pile of coarse woody debris to end it all, but then i saw all the coarse woody debris and i thought about how much i want to munch on mushrooms and make marry of my life.

fathers know best.

i'm going to move into forest park and mush out on my head... see you never.

mushhead yum time palace

my cuz is a tripper, i think. he seems to be pretty cool. just like me. look at the house he bought me...
alice... where are you?

note to adults- this is a secret

ahhh man.

 it has recently been brought to my attention that adults are reading this. that might not be good for the health of you adults out there.

no need to panic. i'm okay. i'm not going to kill myself. i'm not on too many drugs. i actually might be exaggerating a little bit when i say some of the things i say. but most importantly, i'm not pregnant. that is the most important thing to remember... i'm not procreating.

what else, what else.... fuck i don't know. please stop judging me. it really stresses me out. if you are an adult (especially one that is related to me) and you read this, that means you are stressing me out. and if you know anything about me, stress is my killer. or rather, a bad attitude is my killer, but never mind that.

 ugh. just stop telling my dad that you read this and we can keep it our little dirty secret.

don't waste the time

soooooo............ i heard through a fruit producing vine, one in which can surly be nowhere near as sweet as grapes, that i am a bit of a negative Nancy. i have only known one Nancy and she wasn't negative, so fuck you guys. but whatever. i am a bit spiteful. i can admit that. actually... fuck. I'm negative. so at least i know it. grrrrrr.

really, this time, i do have a plan. but i don't care to speak of it at this point in time. when need be, i will let the world know.

oh but, one step in my plan is mint tea. a whole ass fuck ton of mint tea. i have mint. a mint plant. i have plant. i have water. i have heat. i have mint tea. i have yum in my tum.

who cares... anyways. my dad came to town. he is just the most amazing piece of work i have ever come to know and experience. i understand why i hate most things about most men. it's because my father. he is just too good at making every average American male look like a huge pile of maggot infested shit. Dad=Rad.

I'm watching captain Ron for the second time in one month. the first time was on Tom's boat. this time, I'm just at home. thinking about being on Tom's boat... on the way to St. Helens. Which will be my reality in a few days... i would know when if i was more organized.

Speaking of organization. that is what i will be up too for the next week. organization of life. fuckkkkkk i have so much life organizing to do.