girls like to piss together... i guess... or just take pictures.

time vampires have been sucking my life away.
i'm going to name my daughter Outlet and my son Plug.

i had two really nice drunken bathroom photo sessions this week... here are some of the better photos from each. 



We met this lady in the bathroom.. she thought that we were funny.









So, we got a photo with her.







And then she took this photo of us!

 
 



For some reason, I went into Shelby's bathroom to talk to her.



And then i proceeded to take about 15 photos of our faces.



i'm going to eat myself for thanksgiving.

Me and I, we are going to have a fine time! i have my parents ranch house in the country allllllll to myself, at least for a little while! i finally got everyone to leave the house, and now i'm sipping on fine wine out of the bottle, watching little turdis's play in the snow!  what kind of stories would you like to hear? how about turkey stories, being that today is "go kill an Indian day" or i mean "go take over a country day" or i mean "thanksgiving day"

so last year at thanksgiving, my mom tried to tell me i should date my aunts nephew, shortly after she smashed a glass framed painting in my uncles drive way, but not before my aunts niece shit talked her at the table.

the year before that, i was late to thanksgiving and had to sit by myself as a consequence of my late arrival. and as a consequence of that, i left early.

the year before that, my mom and jerry went to costa rica, so jon and i invited my dad and his wife and jon's entire family over to my mom's house to have dinner here. this is funny because... well for the obvious reason that i had my boyfriends entire family, and my dad (who is not married to my mother) over to my mothers house when she wasn't here. we had a party with all my friends after jon's mom yelled at jon's little brother for not eating something that she made and then left to go to a hotel.

i can't remember any others.

the best thanksgiving, however, was the one i had on the beach with my mom, my boyfriend at the time, marc, and my brother and his girlfriend at the time. my brother stole all the food from whole foods, where he worked at the time. we packed it up into a picnic basket, grabbed a bottle of wine for each person, and went to the beach at sunset and had a fucking blast! at least i think we did, because after the bottle of wine to myself, i can't remember much!

food from family

MEAT AND CHEESE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i love going HOME!!!!
i love food when i don't pay for it, or i am not responsible for it rotting in my ice box. something about food that is not mine... i sure do never want to eat, unless the food is not my own. i am such a huge ass hole. i tossed a garbage can full of food away today... i thought that i would "cook" or "eat" but when the government tells you that you have no freedoms... why do anything?
apparently, i don't care to sleep, either.
urg. why do anything? i bet someone will just toss me in a hole with a bunch of circus clowns and call it a day. and i will wake up with a bunch of dead clowns on me and wonder what the fuck i ate, only to realize that i did not eat anything but the dick off of a dead clown.

urgh... no matter.
 i have my cat now... and that is all that i care about. he is happy, i am happy, we are happy.
oh.. duh! SNOW! so stoked on the better half of nature...

meat, cheese, snow, kitten, family.... HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

o.k. comp, you make life easy.

okay... just pissing my pants right now! loling on the fucking seat that is my butt sitting on this chair ( ie, i'm not rolling on the ground, just laughing in my chair) about the many people i know on this stupid "let me fuck you" web site!  (http://www.okcupid.com/ ) look for someone you know... or don't... because i found them either way! and obviously i only found them because i am a victim to this shit as well.

white stuff... cum and pow. i can not get enough.

oh my goodness.. what the fuck did i do to myself! online dating is exhausting. after 5 days... i'm over it. this shit is too much. i mean, yes, i want some Tom, Dick, and Harry in my life, but shit... i don't need 15 emails a day from fucking weirdos all over the state of Crazy.

in my defence, well... what else would i be doing? besides defending myself? ummm... where was i going with this???

here... here is where i was going...

I really can't imagine talking to some many fucking idiots on the Internet. serious. why would anyone want to do this to themselves? i had the best pinball score of my LIFE tonight! and the bar was playing the SOUNDTRACK to my middle/high school days... so i asked the lady in charge of the liquor,

 "is this a cd from your childhood?"
"misfits Pandora radio, GURL!"
and i just rolled the change around in my hand and said, "FUCK YA, this shit rules supreme"
she clasped her hands and bowed as if in praise of my praise of her.
fuck ya, shit was legit.

shit was legit until i drank a beer and my score decreases with every game i played. and i wonder why they make laws against drunk driving??!!!!


ALSO... MEADOWS!!!!!!!!! you could give me truck loads of ice cream cake, red velvet cupcakes, lace underwear, bottles on fine whisky, and all the cheesy noodles in the world, and i would give them all up for the fresh pow that meadows gave me on the second day of the season!

oprah is fat( i mean plumpish) and i am sad (or just retarded).

things that i now know:
1) it takes time to really love someone, i mean... to REALLY LOVE SOMEONE!
2) it takes time to really hate someone... YA! TO REALLY HATE SOMEONE.
3) the only person i hate is me.
4) the only person that i feel i don't know... well that would be me.
5) five is 2 more than three
6) i really don't like lists. i thought that i did, but i forget to write them, and how can you accomplish anything on a list if you forget to write one?

i hate this stupid list. i hate $20 "Deago" words. although, i would fuck Deago if his girlfriend would only let me! the only thing is... he is too short. i don't want to fuck a short person. i'm short... i don't need any other short people in my life besides people who are younger than me, or shelby jones.

speaking of short... short is what my tolerance is for everything. i like to tell people that i hate them... when i really love the fuck out of them. hey all you lambs... watch the next episode of oprah... a bunch of stupid women want to marry jesus. if that doesn't make you feel really good about your life, well, that sucks because that shit is so sad and so funny. or rather, just really, really weird. and why is that legal? how come, like, 13 woman can marry jesus (take in mind, he sort of died a really long time ago... and i'm talking about 13 woman marring ONE dood... pretty sure thats called polygamy) but two doods can't get married to each other?

my mom made me dress up as a witch... but it looked so good.

once upon a time, there was this girl who had a mind that was not so kind. this mind, it was a crafty one. the twists and turns led everyone to believe that she was a witch. did i say witch? i meant bitch. ya, a full on bitch. unfortunately, this little child could not see these things... she thought that she was a peach. heres the thing about a witch that is actually a bitch... they will never hear a word you say. in fact, that stupid witch will purposely ignore every word you say if she doesn't like the way it sounds. so this magical witch took every word and turned it with a twist. you will never want a bitch witch to turn your words around in such a stitch. because.... welll fuck... because when that shit happens... your fucked.

i guess i am what i am... a fucking freak.

sooo
i could fill an ocean with the tears and vomit i made over the last 5 days or so. i'm bipolar, i guess. and i had to delete some posts because they were really sad, in my opinion. so now i know whats wrong with me... and now i get to go talk to doctors about my favorite subject... ME! oh and, sorry to my roommates, friends and family. all of whom i completely lashed out on these last few days. i'm a jerk.

give it, get it.

so i think i can solve all my problems by myself. god, i lie so hard.

someone... end this for me.

i'm about to end my 24th year on this planet in a similar way in which i started my 24th year on this planet... completely wrong.

my mom told me that i need to stop making my birthday such a paradoxical time and that i get way to worked up over this shit. she said something like "god, i fucking dreaded your birthdays when you where little. you would just cry and get so upset because someone touched your stuff, or someone went into your room, or someone was not sharing. and 25 years later, you still cry on your birthday about petty shit"
ya. so what. so what that my birthday just so happens to be the most depressing time of the year, as well as the happiest. but truth be told, i just want everyone to be nice to me and shower me with compliments and gold and kitties and the world. is that so much to ask for, the world?

sun

snow

rain

nw

today...
i found many mushrooms.
i might have seen a dead person.
i had a fine time with kboo fm.
i did something that will make my winter really rad.
i found the floor under my shit.
i ate a real meal.
i id'ed my mushies.
i watched my home team lose to the only other "home" team i have had.

oh an i got really weird in my mind because i just love this place.

the evolution of Houdini

This is the story of how i got my favorite nickname and of the many possible reasons why i just can't say goodbye.

i realized that what they say is true... i hate crowds. i hate parties. i hate going to crowded bars with large groups of people. and i thought that i loved doing these things. but then i realized, i have never liked these things.

it all started at an 80's party at JP's house. the year was... ummm... 2001 maybe... i don't know, but whatever, that's not really all that important. ok, so lisa, kristen, shelby and i went all out! we had really awesome outfits on. lisa's parents have the picture of us in their living room, and i look at it all the time, but i can't remember who was wearing just what. i know there was a shit ton of leather and lace, spandex and bangles, hairspray and lipstick. i was going for punk rocker. i had made my shirt, The Dammed is what i stenciled onto the front, and New Rose on the back because it was my favorite song. i even bought a leather jacket that i jazzed up with studs and patches. i was so stoked about this party!

so we get there and everyone is equally stoked. the party rages on and i realize, after being there for a few hours, that i hated this. i hate that awkward situation when your just standing around and no one is really talking to you and i wasn't just about to try and change that because i really didn't want to talk to anyone anyways. so i started to plan my escape. i wasn't going to just walk out the door, or tell everyone goodbye... that would be way to easy. so i found an unoccupied room - the laundry room- and i pried open a small window and slithered out. at this point, i realize that i'm fucked. i made it out of the house, sure, but i was a minor and minors have curfews and i had to walk home. but i wasn't just about to walk home because i looked like heroin addict/hooker and my house was very far away. so i started walking to lisa's parents house - which is where i was supposed to be staying anyways - and i remember seeing a cop pass me on the road as i was walking down Galveston. nothing happened, i just remember being so fucking scared out of my mind that i was going to get into trouble. i got to lisa's, got into bed, and that was that.

so this became my habit for the rest of my life. and i believe it was that night in which i acquired the nickname "Houdini"

i started slipping out of windows - i decided that since it worked once, i should just do it all the time - at every house party i went to. i never said goodbye, i never even let anyone know that i was unhappy about being there. i would just run anyway, only to spend the rest of my night walking around in the dark, by myself, and this was way better than any party.

10 years later, i do the same thing. only now, i sort of let people know that i'm unhappy before i just disappear. urg, and i don't even want to tell people that much, but sometimes people get scared when someone disappears and they will do weird things, like actually look for you, or call the cops.

so last night. last night. urg. it was a fine night, filled with fine people and fine wine and whatever else. it was just another normal night with my lady friends. at frist, i was super bummed that elise was just watching a movie on her couch. jelousy, i guess. i am always so jelouse. urg. its just that, i wanted to be doing that at my house. i wanted to rent a movie and sit on my couch and eat cheese and drink wine and cry my little peepers out over some stupid julia roberts movie about men and why they suck so much and about how women just suck as much but in a completly different way, but instead i was sitting on elise's couch, watching a movie that i have seen probably 5 times. but then i realized that i actually have never seen the ending of this movie, so i started to get REALLY into it. i can't belive i did not eat the faces off of the two girls sitting next to me, chatting their brains out, like normal friends do when they hang out. wow, i mean, really. i think i am growing up a little bit here because my patience with them was unheard of. i think i asked her to turn it up at one point when it was almost over and i realized that this was the part i had never seen, and elise had JUST turned it down!
wow i just rambled... back to the story....

so the movie ends, i read them the story of my life, written by someone eles, and then we laugh and drink and everyone is ready to go. dane got home, kamron was ready. word up, its power boom time and we are ready to go.

so the bar... its a bar. there no real hotties lurking around to speak of, so i'm pretty much over it at this point. whatever, i'm a good sport for a while. but then i find myself sitting there, digging a very long, twisted, dark tunnel into my heart of my deep limbic system (that's the part of your brain where you store highly charged emotional memories, for all of you dumbos out there) and i realize that this mind-mine-mission i'm on behind my face is, in fact, showing up ON my face. so i have some explaining to do to dane as i frantically collect up all of my shit and nervously pay for the drink i had. basically, i tell him that i need to go hide from everyone for a while. i think i said something like, "ya, i'm feeling emotionally ill and i need to take a break for a minute" and then i got up and ran out the door, in a highly dramatic fashion, and i run. full on sprint, into the wrong direction. i immediately realize this, but i can't turn around because someone might have seen me leave, and i really didn't want to talk to anyone about this, i mean, i broke out into a sprint for that very reason. so i ran around the block and down the street to the bus stop. oh, and i turned my phone off as i was rounding the first corner, this way no one could ever know what the fuck just happened.

i left my phone off until about 2 o'clock today.

i just can't handle that much noise. i have to yell and i lose my voice and i can't hear what anyone is saying. and  i don't really give a fuck what anyone is really saying, because i've already heard it because i was probably there or someone else already told me. i would rather just sit in my house and do this. fuck. i would rather make a giant slide and fill a pool full of warm jello and do all the many weird and sticky things that you could do with those two things. it seems like there would be endless possibility's with that.

okay so the story ends like this... i don't like crowds all that much, which scares me because that sounds like a sign of adulthood.  i don't like saying goodbye. i don't like endings. see... its true. i can't even end this stupid story properly.

i ran away... sorry, but i'm actually not.

welllllll fuck me.
no, please...
 i want you to.

and if not, i understand... no one else does...or, well, wait... ya i get fucked, a lot... by my government ( PS TO ALL OF YOU LAZY CUNTS WHO DID NOT VOTE... YOU CAN NOT COMPLAIN ABOUT ANYTHING BECAUSE YOU DID NOT DO ANYTHING!), by my mother trucking computer, my bank account,  my self esteem, my digestive system, the children under my bed, the fear i hold for my future, the vomit that i'm trying to keep down, the fucking words i'm swallowing, the blood on my keys because i eat the tips off of my mother fucking fingers. there is blood on the good half of my keyboard. i justify this as the "good" side because the "k" key is on the side of the keyboard in which my blood is spilling. fancy that.

anyways.. what was i complaining about? fuck... who knows. maybe it was about you?!!!!!!!!!!!!! nah... it was probably about me.
my sailing coach said that my confidence is low. why is it that everyone can see though me, yet i have spent the last 20 years tyring to make myself opaque?
i guess its all the soy milk... i should be drinking whole milk from some sad cows-baby-less-tit. urg. i hate this. i do. "don't make this habit a home"

i made my habits my home. i miss my normal life. i use to do laundry. i use to clean things. i use to do things that i don't do now. i use to care... but... i ... mmmmmmm ....... hmmmm.? i guess i care. i mean, sure, ya! i care about the fact that i hate this stupid life i live. why should. i do anything? i don't. maybe that's the problem.

i have a strong desire to eat nonfoods, which basically means i'm dead.

i stopped writing in here because i'm really busy fucking myself. literally and figuratively. Its like, i don't know, 9ish (which is a huge lie, the "i don't know what time it is" for crying in the night i'm practically writing this lie on a giant, mega smart clock) in the morning, and i just left class to go cry in the bathroom (that's not true either. i left because i thought that i had to do something, but turns out, i don't, but now i don't want to go back because i already left, and that would be sort of weird, which is equally not true because its a class of some 200 students and no one would notice). while i'm giving my eyes a swirly with my tears, i decided that its high time i go back to bed for a while. i think i'm dieing from lack of iron... i'm pretty sure that's what my grandma was tiring to convince our family of when she was dieing... i don't know if that's really a legitimate reason to die though. anyways... my iron deficiency problem... so i looked up the symptoms. and it sounds like... sounds like everyone has this problem. i concocted this assumption based on this one particular symptom:
"A strong desire to eat nonfoods such as ice, paint or dirt. A condition called pica."

who does NOT have this problem. i'm constantly wanting to eat nonfoods, such as acid and molly. A condition called "self medication".

at this point in my morning, i decided that if i'm capable of self diagnosing myself with one disease (or problem, or whatever iron deficiency is), i should be able to do it with other diseases too. so i typed in "symptoms of dil" and before i could type anymore, this giant, mega smart clock (ie the computer) has helped me diagnose myself with something called Dilutional hyponatremia (okay before i go any further, i should say that i was trying to type in "symptoms of delusions" which i was obviously spelling wrong. moreover, there are no signs of delusions, for delusions are actually signs of schizophrenia or some other "i'm-totally-bat-shit-crazy" disease).
Here are the symptoms for Dilutional hyponatremia:
fatigue, irritability, nausea, vomiting, restlessness, loss of appetite, headache, altered mental status, hallucination, impaired consciousness, confusion, muscle weakness, muscle spasms, muscle cramps.

So basically, this another disease that most of the people i know have. Dilutional hyponatremia is just a more educated way of telling people that your "wickedly hungover" from the well know condition called "self medication".

Speaking of being "wickedly hungover" from "self medication", i did not suffer from these diseases this fine Halloween weekend. i did however manage to get away with being naked. more on that later... when i have more pictures.